Dear Self,
I should start this by acknowledging that I know that I talk to you all of the time, so communicating this way may feel a little foreign. We are always in conversation. Even when I am talking to others, I am often running what they are saying by you. Sometimes, you talk so loud that I wonder if others can hear what you are saying to me. You’re the reason I choose to speak when I have to & not every time I want to. I’m not complaining…just owning the nuances of our relationship. For all of our dialogue (and for all of my scribing) it’s crazy that I have never once written you a letter. I have something very important I need to say to you. It is an important part of my growth & given how intimate writing is to me, perhaps this is the best forum for me to share with you. So here it goes:
Across the expanse of my life, you have been nothing but loyal to me. When I had nothing coming or going, all I had was God, a vision & you. When people who were supposed to be there weren’t, when I had no encouragement, counsel or support, it was you reminding me who I was, Whose I was & that my gifts were everything that I thought them to be. Every struggle, you were right there pushing me to do what God said to & get up. Every success you were right there, reminding me to never be content and keep working. You hold me accountable by being my hardest critic while simultaneously challenging me to know when to give myself grace. All in all, you have been A-1 since day 1 and you have given me no reason to trade out on you. Apart from the LORD, I trust no one more than you.
That said…I owe you an apology. There have been moments where I have mistreated you. Moments where I have ignored your presence; misrepresented you and not made room for you in the places I’ve roamed in my life. I’ve had moments where I acted as if you weren’t enough and allowed the attractiveness of alternatives to step out on you. I have moments where I mute you despite being able to hear you clearly. I’ve made choices that benefitted others while harming you. I’ve connected to people who have disrespected you and didn’t check them for it. I let things like other people’s opinions and fear push me to downplay your greatness and brilliance. I let the insecurity that comes with standing out prompt me to make myself smaller so that I could fit in spaces I was never created to occupy. I silenced your strength, audacity and courage in order to make the less competent feel more comfortable. I’ve even taken your words and reworded them to be softer than what you were actually trying to say.
How dare I try to carve out an existence while pretending that you don’t exist? And, if I cannot exist, most genuinely, without you, then what have I actually been doing?
I wasn’t ashamed of you but the truth is I valued others more than I valued you. You called me to be confident and I was cowardly …and for that, I am sorry. I apologize to every part of myself: my intellect, my creativity, my gifts, my full personality, my peculiarity & my greatness. You all are just as much a part of me as the other parts of me that are easier for people to embrace.
Since apologies mean very little without adjustment, my commitment to you is this: I will no longer occupy any space where you are unwelcome. I promise from here forward to walk into the doors that God opens for us and no longer let fear of how the world may feel about it keep us out of them. What good is there in God opening a door if I don’t have you with me to walk through it? Who or whatever does not accept us in the way God made us is not for us. I refuse to be without you again. I do not want another thing in my life if I can’t have you with me to experience it. You are my gift from God and I will not be without you again. I love you.
Sincerely,
Me
